Wiki defines celebrity as ‘A person who is famously recognized in a society or culture. There are different degrees of celebrity status which vary based on an individuals region or field of notoriety. While someone might be a celebrity to some people, to others he may be completely unknown.’ That said, how do we get there? How do the celebs get to be celebs? Ha Ha…Mr Suki has the answers, so read on.
1. Get a small doggy
Number 1 and the most obvious. The small dog fashion accessory craze is getting a little tired now, even so the celebrities still love those little furry muts:
Blake Lively with Exhibit a:
Mischa Barton with her little Exhibit b:
You know they say ‘dogs are a man/woman’s best friend.’ and I get that but I just don’t get the tiny little dogs that our celebrities are so in love with. Those little bitches are not going to defend you if you’re being attacked and they definitely don’t scare off burglars so what are they good for?
Maybe the next thing will be for Celebs to make their favourite little doggy into a handbag or a nice pair of fury slippers.
2. Get some Massive sunglasses.
Wearing the biggest sunglasses you can find creates an illusion that makes people believe you have star quality. I don’t know why it works, it just does ok!
Sunglasses also work for the guys. Warning! Try to avoid looking ridiculous.
3. Get on Reality TV. From X-Factor to YouTube to Stardom.
The rise of the reality TV show has meant that none celebrity pheasants are becoming celebrities over night. Just by showing up and acting like a slightly camp weirdo or a neurotic bimbo you too can have the Paparazzi on your tail like your the next Princess Diana.
Exhibit a:
Susan Boyle
Allegedly the certified crazy woman Susan Boyle Shot to fame from obscurity having the most views on YouTube after the shock of her singing talent on the X-Factor.
Exhibit b: The Cheeky girls,
Again launched into celebrity status and touring the world after a terrible performance in the X-factor Auditions.
If you choose this as your master plan for celebrity status be quick because there are signs of the Reality bubble beginning to bust, with the axing of Big Brother in the UK for example.
Option A; Try the X-Factor, Britain/Americas Got Talent or American Inventor remembering that the more you suck the quicker you can reach celeb status.
Option B; YouTube, Vimeo or another user home video site. This is cheaper and easier than trying to get a channel on cable and the Internet TV bubble still continues to grow, for now anyway.
Using Option B celeb unknowns have become celeb knowns over night.
Exhibit:c iJustine
iJustine is nothing less than an internet Celebrity not a household name yet but to the internet geek, she’s like the Celeb next door. With over half million followers on Twitter, videos that get millions of views on YouTube, I guess you could say that’s Celebrity status.
4. Its not what you know, it’s who talks about you.
Now remember this golden rule “It’s all about me”. It involves a few key points and if used in combination they can be very effective if used to much or all together, you’ll just upset the locals. So use with caution!
a) Arrive late, Leave Early – Upon attending any gathering or event make sure you arrive late but act like your on time, this is key to make the other Non-Celebs feel like Non-Celebs and hence increase your Celeb status. Leave early to make other people feel like you have to go somewhere far more exciting and important even if you’re just going home to watch re-runs of Desperate.
b) Be Loud! – Being loud attracts attention which, any Celeb of any status has. So ‘Laugh Loud’, even if what you’ve heard isn’t very funny, this will make people believe you’re the life and soul of the party. Laughing is also infectious and it will cause other people to want to be around you, adding to your Entourage. (see #6)
c) Create a scene – Now the scene cause can go horribly wrong but if handled with care, Positive With Attitude (PWA) and Confidence this will make you the talk of any town.
Caution: Creating a scene can sometimes result in a punch up which reduces your Celebrity status to that of a Neanderthal. Remember the key words ‘Positive With Attitude’ enough so that people know that your the boss but not too much that people think your a bitch.
Think Gordon Ramsey meets Beyoncé Knowles and I think you’ll be in the right Ball Park.
When all else fails try:-
Having an addiction to something; drugs or sex then check yourself into expensive rehab.
Depression followed by trying to commit suicide. However, this is not recommended if you want to be an old celebrity.
5. Get Plastic Surgery
Expensive I know but it may well be worth it to increase your celebrity status. There are countless women who have made big bucks from big boobs granted most of them Pornstars but if the chest is large then the Paps come out for Snaps.
Exhibit a) Jordon aka Katie Price
Men! Don’t feel left out either, male plastic surgery is on the rise and making male pectorals pert like Arnold Schwarzenegger is now possible with a few hours on the chopping block.
Beware: This relatively new procedure may just land you with a pair of man boobs that need holding up by a sizable bra.
6. Get an Entourage
This links with point 4 ‘Its not what you know, It’s who talks about you‘ because working through P4 will undoubtedly gather you an Entourage. The entourage is a necessary part of any celebrity lifestyle.
Eminem has a large Entourage and he puts them all to good use like, fending off gays.
7. Get married, Declare your undying love, Get Divorced.
How many Celebrity couples get married, Declare their undying love for each other then get divorced. It’s so sad I know, but why have such public, private lives? I dunno.
Anyhoo, this is a must for Celeb notoriety. The trick is to wait for the Paparazzi to crown you with some ridiculous celebrity hybrid name like Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) and then just when everybody is taking about about how your relationship is like a ray of golden sunshine….publicly announce your separation. This will at best get you a few column inches, if not at least a mention in some dodgy Celebrity website.
8. Get a Guru.
Ohmmm… Yoga, Reki Voodoo whatever your into make sure you get a Guru. These days there’s no real Celebrity without a Guru.
Oprah Winfrey has single-handedly made her Guru, Mr Tolle into a multi-millionaire. No wonder he has that smug smile.
The great thing about a Guru is that anybody can do it! If you’re looking for someone to fill the post then just follow these tips.
a. Nationality – Not that important but if he looks like an Indian then add them to your entourage right away. The eyes are more important.
b. The Eyes - They must have a look in their eyes that says “I could kill you right now, just by thinking about it!” Scary!!
c. The Book - They must have a published a book that plagiarizes the Bible, Qua-ran or other spiritual books.
Quote: 1
Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it’s possible for you
Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want – and the feeling of having it already. ‘The Secret’
Quote: 2
All things for which you close your eyes and ask, believe that you have received them, and you will have them. ‘The Bible’
Amazing but its Its true.
9. Write a book all about yourself
The Celebrity book market is worth millions of dollars a year. Blink and another pops up most of which are completely mindless drivel about some miserable rise to fame and fortune.
Here lies some of the more useless celebrity books.
Never-the-less the celeb book is a must and If you successfully navigate your way through all the above points then I have no dought a publisher will come knocking at your door for your story, if he does (God forbid) then don’t send me a copy, unless you want a honest review.
10. Get your own Perfume and Clothing Range.
Sean John, Nikki Hilton, J-Lo, to name a few. They’re all coining in on Celebrity merchandise. This again is for the person who successfully completes all nine points above mainly because it requires a big entourage and some hefty Dollar power.
Here’s just a few celebs with clothing ranges:-
Jessica Simpson
Milla Jovovich
JLo
Pamela Anderson
Elizabeth Hurley
Sean John – P Diddy
Here’s a few endorsing their own smells:-
Ashanti: Precious Jewel
Beyoncé Knowles: True Star, True Star Gold
Britney Spears: Curious, Fantasy,
Celine Dion: Celine Dion, Notes, Belong,
The list goes on and on.
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Well, there you have it. My not so definitive guide to achieving Celebrity status. Let me know how it goes. If it all happens to go well for you after following these tips then please don’t forget me. Mr Suki
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